Episode Two of the “Hard Knocks” Series Suited the Bengals Well
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-Imagn Images
Well, here we are! It’s Week 2 of HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” and knowing the outcome of the Bengals game on Monday (where somehow they won in an incredibly Bengals fashion), I must admit, I was excited about this week! Let’s get into it.
We start this episode off with Jameis Winston claiming he’s very excited about this week’s matchup in Pittsburgh and can’t wait to see all of the Terrible Towels waving. I don’t know if it’s all of the chewing on his fingers or the free crab legs, but this is a horrible take for any quarterback headed to the AFC North-leading Steeler’s stadium.
The cameras cut to the Steelers’ stadium, where Mike Tomlin is giving an almost perfect description of the Browns’ offense with detailed notes on what his team can expect this week from multiple players on both offense and defense. As a Bengals fan, I often fantasize what that must be like to have a team with a prepared gameplan like that. We’ll see later in the episode if it works. (Spoiler Alert: It does.)
Now we get our first look at the Bengals in this week’s episode, their meeting features Zac Taylor giving the team a pep talk with the same amount of emotional gravitas as Ben Stein in a “Clear Eyes” commercial. Taylor tells the boys that what motivates him is the Monday night post-game in the Dallas locker room. Obviously, winning the “Simpsons Bowl” is more motivating than a winning record, playoffs, and the Super Bowl.
We cut back to the King of Cringe, Jameis Winston, and a beautiful segment about his family. It almost made me feel bad for the man’s family for having to move more around the country than I did as a member of the military. But also, he gives funny speeches! Am I right?
Back to Pittsburgh we go, with Coach Tomlin trying to give a boost to Joey Porter Jr. after receiving damn near 10 penalties last weekend against the Bengals. He was much less subtle than his dad, who managed to avoid a penalty in 2016 after being on the field and placing his hands on a Bengals player when he was supposed to be a “coach.” Not that I’m still upset about that non-call to this day!
To make these memories worse, they show Joeys Porter watching Senior’s highlights because, once again, Dad wants to be the center of attention when it comes to anything Bengals-related. Senior is now sharing stories about his “Glory Days” like Uncle Rico.
But who cares! We’re back to Cincinnati, where for the second week in a row we see the Bengals outdoor practice facility, just in case anyone from the media missed it in the first week. Also, thank you, Pat McAfee! We see Taylor now on “The Rich Eisen Show” as he says “You find out a lot about people when you face adversity.” Trust me Zac — we know. You’re not helping your case much, bud. Better stick to figuring out how to keep Joe Burrow alive after a night of facing Micah Parsons.
We whip right back to Pittsburgh, with Tomlin giving an in-depth scouting report on the Browns helmet-swinging stud, Myles Garrett. Those details! It’s almost as if the Steelers have three times the amount of scouts as the Bengals. Wait, they do.
Cut to Sunday’s showdown between the Browns and the Steelers, which starts with an obviously scripted speech from Winston to get the Browns and Hard Knocks producers fired up. Then it’s time for T.J. Watt’s speech, and he can barely put a sentence together from all the adrenaline. I wonder how this game is gonna go.
As if we didn’t see enough of Joey Porter Sr. this episode, the fine folks at HBO give this dude some more time to hog the spotlight during the game while shouting at the Steelers from his suite. How can this get any more cringey?
Winston says “Hold my beer, Hard Knocks.” This guy is smiling while handing out turnovers in Pittsburgh like he’s working at a soup kitchen. The Steelers obviously go on to win this AFC North showdown.
Hey! We’re back in Cincy. We cut to practice, where Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins are preparing their touchdown dance for Monday night, almost similar to Chad OchoCinco back in the day. If you look closely enough, you can see that Jermaine Burton is buried in his ping-pong game tape.
All joking aside, the next scene begins with Chase and Brixton Wood, which was a highlighted story Monday Night and showed a beautiful side of the NFL. Wood finds himself in the middle of his second bout with cancer and acknowledges Chase as his inspiration and favorite football player. Chase made time on Sunday night to visit with Brixton and his family, which is truly heartwarming. Good on you, Ja’Marr!
Immediately following this scene, we cut to the opening drive of the Bengals and Cowboys, which is capped off with a wide-open touchdown for Cowboys wide receiver, CeeDee Lamb. Even the replay made me want to throw my TV off my balcony. But then there’s some feel-good redemption as Burrow throws a beautiful first-quarter touchdown to Chase. Watching that again just underlines how they are both on the same page and how their chemistry is unmatched in the NFL.
We get the dramatic music now as the game enters the fourth quarter tied at 20. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Bengals game if there wasn’t an obvious missed penalty, which comes when Burrow is sacked and brought down by his face mask, which everyone can see except the referees. We really need Joe Burrow to date a world-famous pop star so Cincinnati can start getting these calls. The Hard Knocks commentator then says the referees missing “a call like this that can turn your head.” As a comedian, I got a legit laugh-out-loud moment from that, so kudos!
We then see THE play of the game: the botched punt that the Bengals recovered. The cameras cut to Taylor and it’s the most excitement that we’ve seen from him since the Bengals brought the ping-pong tables back in the locker room.
We know how it goes from here, Burrow leads the boys down the field and finds Chase for a game-winning touchdown! The Bengals are officially the Simpsons Bowl Champions!! How many of those can the Chiefs say that they won? Huh, huh? Unlike chivalry, this season is not dead!
Til next week!
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